Jihad on christmas!
So on FoxNews, that black guy who has that show said..oh wait, there are no black people with their own show on FoxNews, I forget..anyway, there's a WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Because Christians have conqured homelessness, injustice in the world, and pedophile priests, it's time to conqure real problems of the day. Yes, batten down the nativities, born-again pirates, and sharpen your christ-katanas, ninjas of faith, cause THEM, you know, THE SECULARLEFTWINGPRAISERSOFSATANSCOCK have once again assailed upon Jesus' birthday or Santa's night of breaking and entering, whatever. Well, this is of cource complete and utter bullshit but I for one, welcome this war on christmas, I wish there was one. Why? A couple of reasons. The first being christmas carols I have to hear at work. The most irritating one being a lascivious detailing of a woman's affection for alt.binaries.sex.mature.invisiblefriends.withbeards. The lyrics describe how every "little girl wants to sit on santa's knee", how he "sure is cute for his age", and that santa should stay awhile cause who needs the elves and reindeer for sex when you have the singer drooling over his corpulent, senior citizen body. "Are those spider veins? Oh, that's so hot!" Santa's bag is full of toys this year, and by toys, I mean "adult novelty items". Santa knows the shocker, ladies, yes he does.Boy, there's nothing better than hearing christmas songs translated into modern popculture like hip-hop versions of " jingle bells", and ethnic-techno remixes of "let it snow". Bring your glowsticks and blow your whistles, it's time to dance and rave in the spirit of the season while shopping for that perfect gift....which brings me to my next reason there should be a big glowing, nuclear, earthcrushing, jihad on Christmas, namely shoppers.
Ah, nothing like trying to be the best gift-giver and host to holiday, sorry, CHRISTMAS, guests to bring out the cruel, savage, greedy, and intolerant monster in all those bored, lonely middle-age housewives. Gollum and his little ring-trinket pale in comparison to the insatiable lust for holiday perfection these depraved consumers need now, now, now! They lie about when they were told the items would arrive in order to force us to try and make them special "customer service issues". They verbally abuse the sales associates on the floor. They cry, scream, and throw up when they don't have their way. It's insane to see the middle to upper class go crazy over furniture made in third world countries by "artisans". I have to say, I watched with amazement and delight as I watched security camera footage of shoppers in a melee over sale items. Punching, gouging, and kicking their way to the top of the consumer dogpile. Truly, they have earned evolution's brass ring. Finally, the beast, in it's madness, eats itself. So "bring it on", i want "total victory" in this war on christmas and I want it now, now, now!
posted by rp @ 8:02 PM
6 Comments:
I've got bad news. The Repubs did an about face and said consumerism was the heart of Christmas. They're encouraging it. They forgot that their livelihood depends on bored housewives trying to outdo each other.
And they don't want to get rid of carols, they want to inundate us with them (albeit, probably not the modern versions) and everything else that mentions Christmas. Hell, W even accidentally called Santa Jesus.
I'm sorry. This is not the war you were looking for :-(
Would my Army of Undead Monkeys be helpful to your cause?
Yes, the army of undead monkeys would be of great service. In fact, cyborg undead monkeys would be cool too.
and borromakot, you need to reread my post, cause you misinterpreted what i wrote. I didn't say it's the repubs who are fighting a war on christmas, i said on foxnews, it's the repubs who claim the secularists and liberals are against christmas and have declared war on it. i further explained that i don't believe that secularists and liberals are fighting a war on christmas but that i wish they were because i don't like the carols and the behavior of customers at work.
You're right. I was thinking about how FoxNews (which I associate with Republicans) was waging a war on the war on Christmas that doesn't exist. I get all confused.
I get it, now. Did I mention I get confused about who is waging war on whom? And who the terrrists are? And what is today, anyway?
it's all good in la robot-raza. With regards to the second paragraph of your comment, you need to see Syriana. I don't want to spoil anything but...yeah, confusion, who's a terrorist?, who isn't?, you need to see this movie.
I do want to see it. And the confusion was a facetious jab at the current administration. But I really want to see that movie.
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